Sensual, Thoughtful, and Very Naughty
In Cuckolding: A Brief Introduction, I introduced cuckolding as one of my favorite sexual fantasies and set about trying to define and understand its critical attributes as a form of sexual play within a loving relationship. Despite modest interaction around this post, it remains one of my most viewed and seems to be a subject of curiosity.
I hesitantly admit my cuckold fantasy because of how it is commonly portrayed in the worlds of porn and erotica. It seems that cuckolding has been taken over by other fantasies/fetishes–Femdom, Humiliation, BDSM (with male sub), etc. As a result, a cuckold is sometimes seen as a weak, undesirable man wearing panties while being berated and humiliated by a dominant woman as he is forced to watch other men fucking her. While some cuckolds may harbor such a fantasy, this portrayal is not the essence of cuckolding nor does it reflect my cuckold fantasy. That said, my cuckold fantasy isn’t the essence of cuckolding either. So, my exploration of cuckolding continues with two objectives in mind: 1) Understand the core essence of cuckolding that applies to all cuckolds 2) Understand the erotic layers of my cuckold fantasy.
Definition and Critical Attributes
I believe the essence of “healthy” cuckolding can be defined as a sexual fantasy/fetish in which the man is stimulated by his emotionally committed partner having sex with another man or men. In its purest form, cuckolding involves three elements. We have a couple that is emotionally committed to one another, his lover is fucking another man or men, and this arrangement turns the couple on and enhances their relationship. Beyond this essential core, the fantasy explodes wildly into many different spaces and often becomes a fetish within a fetish.
Takes One to Know One
Adult dating sites are full couples looking for other men to fuck the wife or girlfriend. I know this because there was a time when I fulfilled this desire for couples. In American Gigolo: Rise I describe my first encounter with a couple and that experience soon launched me into another world of sexual intrigue and exploration. I knew what I was doing and, in a world where willing men were a dime a dozen, I was a “preferred male” in relatively high demand.
The odd thing about this journey as an American Gigolo, Alpha, or Bull is that it felt like an out-of-body experience. This feelings are explored in American Gigolo. Good or bad, I needed to prove to myself that I could attain that level of sexuality. I was also curious and wanted to observe and experience cuckolding up close but from a safe emotional distance. While it was fascinating and very erotic, there was often something missing. I am a sensual man first and prefer to layer my naughty side on top of a deep sensual connection. Some of my more sensual posts: Strawberry Letter 23 (Video) and Mountain of Dreams. Being the third wheel in these sexual adventures with couples, the sensual connection was often missing (as it should be).
Why were couples (and women playing alone) drawn to me? I believed couples wanted someone that understood the sexual game being played. They wanted a man that respected their boundaries as a couple who also had the capacity to role play. My profile was distinctive, erotic, and clearly communicated my understanding of this sexual play. Couples probably thought my cock was the most important part of their experience. In reality, it was my mind.
In my personal experience and research, I have come to appreciate cuckolding as a fantasy/fetish of choice for men that are more cerebrally inclined. I’m not saying cuckolds are more intelligent, but I am suggesting their mind is heavily engaged in their sexual experience—before, during, and after. A cuckold doesn’t often receive tactile stimulation in the moment. Instead, the cuckold is being sexually stimulated by a mind fuck of the highest order.
The underlying driver for mental stimulation may come from one or many intermingled sources. For now, I am going to explore the idea of psychological sadomasochism. In future posts I will explore the influence of exhibitionism, sexual competition, voyeurism, interracial sex, power (a Dominant cuckold), comparative cock size, contrast, and love. With the exception of love, none of these other erotic layers are essential to “healthy” cuckolding. However, many are laced throughout cuckold fantasies and in mine specifically.
Some sexual psychologists view cuckolding as a form of psychological sadomasochism. In BDSM, we understand people are turned on by whips, chains, and giving/receiving physical pain (notably in sadomasochism). A cuckold can be aroused by mental angst as a form of psychological sadomasochism. Think about it a little deeper. A cuckold gets off anticipating, watching, and remembering his lover with her legs spread wide as another man plows her pussy and pumps his sperm inside her. He is taking an emotional and mental spanking. As I dig a little deeper for personal insight, I think back to my Shadows post. As a sensual spirit, cuckolding could be a counter-phobic reaction to fear of loss. Instead of fearing it, I am drawn to it and excited by it. I create a space where I squarely face and master my darkness. In doing so, I have never felt more alive. However, this is only one aspect of the fantasy. There are more erotic layers that contribute to and intensify the experience for me.
Cuckolding is a dangerous game involving jealousy and divine ecstasy, shame and gratitude, control and submission, lust and trust, pride and humiliation, etc. You can imagine almost any two contrasting adjectives to describe the emotional highs and lows of being “in love” and the range of those emotions is experienced in the cuckolding experience. This is psychological sadomasochism and cuckolding is an intense, mind-bending, mind fuck.
I held this fantasy for many years before I felt confident I could mentally master my emotional reaction and use it as a way to enhance my relationships through naughty sexual adventures. I would frequently masturbate while thinking about watching the woman I loved being fucked by another guy. Invariably, as soon as I came, the idea made me feel sick. It would take a couple days or even weeks before the thought began to arouse me again. I understood what was going on inside me though. It was hot to think about, but I feared that in my afterglow I would be jealous and angry with her. If I could not mentally master my emotional reaction, I knew it was a potential fire that could sweep across and destroy a relationship. This fantasy continues to drive my most intense orgasms.
For many, the initial awareness and reaction to cuckolding is often one of shock. I suppose this is a common reaction to any fetish when first exposed to it. Why do some women want to be collared, chained, and dominated? Why do some women want to be “Fuck Dolls” or want a “Daddy”? Why do some women want to be treated like a “whore” during sexual play? To each his/her own. We all have our kinks and fetishes with different underlying drivers.
Fortunately, if our lover is sexually adventurous, we have an opportunity to blend our fantasies/fetishes into a shared fantasy to form a unique experience as a couple. As a dominant male with a cuckold fantasy, I am still drawn to female submission. I never masturbate to the thought of being physically dominated by a woman. That said, if a lover had that fantasy, I would certainly be open to exploring it with her. Now, suppose a woman has a “Fuck Doll” fantasy or thrives on submission. While it may appear otherwise, the image below illustrates her complete submission to me and represents a blending of fantasies. I will explore this idea of a Dominant cuckold in a future post.
Before wrapping this up, I would like to emphasize the extreme importance of communication in a healthy relationship where cuckolding is used as a form of sexual play. The erotic dialogue leading up to and after the moment is so very important to the cuckold and is a large part of his experience. It feeds his mind. The excitement and anticipation his lover is feeling and sharing serves to drive the cuckold’s excitement. In turn, it increases his passion, desire for increased intimacy with his lover, and ultimately the emotional commitment within their relationship. There is likely a Sperm Wars effect which drives this and I’ll explore this concept is an upcoming post. The sharing of her feelings, excitement, and thoughts is essential to connecting the cuckold to the experience and his lover. I will explore this in other posts but it is too important not to mention.
So far, I have shared a working definition of “healthy” cuckolding within a loving relationship and three elements that serve as the core foundation of cuckolding. I have primarily devoted this post to emphasizing the importance of mental engagement for the cuckold during this form of sexual play. I hope you found this second foray into cuckolding to be both educational and mentally stimulating. Remember, in a healthy relationship the cuckolding experience adds to the relationship and is ultimately about the couple.
After publishing this, there were some questions around this fantasy/fetish from the perspective of woman being cuckolded. That is, the woman finds erotic pleasure watching (or fantasizing about) her man pleasing another woman. This could be a threesome where all three are playing with each other. It could also venture into the cuckold realm. In this case, the woman in the couple is called a “cuckquean”. Sexual psychologist typically associate this fantasy with submissive women and place it within the BDSM fantasy/fetish.